I'll Patiently Wait
"...life does not fear hollow things, it fills them"
I’m 44.
It just happened last week… like any other day. It came and went without bringing any clarity or organization to my chaotic brain. Every day I wake up and hope that THIS is the day I figure it all out. THIS is the day where everything makes sense and I know exactly what I’m meant to do next. But alas… it’s just another day.
I really thought 42 would be my year. It was my lucky number… it was the number I chose for everything. My family even adopted that number as their own number in some ways. So, when 42 was looming… I just knew it was going to bring amazing things.
Little did I know.
Instead of joy, 42 brought all the pain. It brought confusion and anger… deep sadness and regret. It brought shame and embarrassment. It brought my own personal Bowser… the final boss of self-loathing.
And, maybe one day I’ll write that story here. Maybe one day I’ll feel like it’s time to unearth that heartbreak… but not today.
Today, I write to say that I’m on the other side of it. Although 42 brought all the pain, it provoked what was next… it pushed me to make a decision I’ve been sitting on for YEARS. The decision to uproot my life and change everything.
My life wasn’t terrible by any means. My life was fine… some would even say I was killing it and “living the dream”. I built a successful photography business in a highly desirable and competitive city. I bought my own home. Alone. I created a beautiful home filled with beautiful things. I had a community of wonderful friends, family, and clients that I had cultivated over 20 years. I was “well fed” and didn’t have to work hard to stay that way.
But it wasn’t enough. Something was missing. Something is still missing, and I have no clue what it is.
When I made this big move… after I sold my home, moved across the country, got settled in a new house that I don’t own and surrounded myself with all the same things… I panicked. What did I do? I just left a seemingly amazing situation for this? No clients. No equity. No friends. No community. What was I thinking?!!!
I had to do a lot of soul searching. Was this the right move? Did I choose the right path?? Am I crazy??
But ultimately, when I sat with it… and when I asked myself,
“Do you want to go back?”
The immediate and URGENT response was…
“NO!!!"
I then asked myself,
“If someone could put everything back to how it was - you can have your house, equity, clients, everything. Would you do it?”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!”
The peace this gave me was overwhelming. Because even though I have no clue what I’m doing here… I have no clue what will happen next. I don’t know what direction this path will take me or who I will meet or how I will even make money - I have peace in knowing that I did the right thing. The Universe/God is holding me. I have peace in knowing that I listened to my gut… my intuition… my inner voice… “the holy spirit” for the Christians who may read this… I trusted my inner knowing that was put there by a higher power. So, whatever happens next… is.
I will lean into it. I will trust it.
I heard a poem by Sophia Kai recently that resonated. She said…
“The cracks aren’t flaws; they’re openings. The more we empty, the more life can move through us. At times we think we’ll vanish if we let go of who we were, but life does not fear hollow things - it fills them. It transforms them…
You don’t heal by holding it together - you heal by letting everything you thought was true… fall apart.”
And I think that’s exactly what the Universe is doing in me.
So, I’ll patiently wait.
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Follow along to see how this all unfolds…
Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do to help get you through it?? How do you make peace with the unknown?
I have had times where a certain age was expected to bring a certain clarity, like you speak of in this article.
But while you were turning 44, my friend was dying of cancer at 39. She passed yesterday, and also like you said, the day came and went. We grieve, we learn, and life still goes on.
She won't make it to 42, your lucky number, nor 44. She's forever 39 and yet, she seemed to find immense clarity with death looming - that you get one precious life, and she used what time she had left to embrace every wish, hope, dream, expression that she could.
Perhaps what's missing for you, based on how you wrote this article alone, is that life consistently doesn't sound like it's enough. You sound like you're in searching mode, and you're starting over. While my friend, she'll never get to begin again.
This isn't to take away from your experience, I'm glad you shared it. It's my reaction to what you wrote in a state of grief, and maybe the universe speaking through me to you as a reminder that we are so lucky to be able to start anew with each birthday. Every age is lucky, if you look at it that way.
Would you still feel like something is missing if you knew *this birthday* was your last?